Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.

Before therapy: I hate people

After therapy: I hate therapists

[first day as a sports announcer]

*clears throat*

*taps mic twice*

Me: sprots

My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor

Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!

What element do criminals hate to see?

Copper

Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing

Also me: runs into everybody I know

Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.

every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car

Failed Pickup Lines:

“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”

If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.

So true for me

sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover

Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.

I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it

Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running

If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios

Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.

You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.

You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself

Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.

My body is a “wonder what happened” land

Cop: License and registration

Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec

5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?

Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?

5:

Me:

5: I’ll borrow another dollar.

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.

Going into Monday like

Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER

Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?

“Ok, let’s go now” 😂