This woman is my idol. Free her.
You Might Also Like
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
