This woman is my idol. Free her.
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Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
#Caturday
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!