This woman is my idol. Free her.
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please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk