Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”

Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.

The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle

Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box

[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.

These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.

When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.

First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*

Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*

When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit

I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby

me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious

Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.

My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.

1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated

Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant

My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him

If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going

My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.

the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside

Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.

Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.

90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.

I think I’ll stand

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer

Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.

i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins

Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.

Me: How much do I owe?

Gov’t: You have to figure that out.

Me: I just pay what I want?

Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.

Me: What if I get it wrong?

Gov’t: You go to prison

Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.

Me: this is my service burrito.