This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
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Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
I thinking about becoming a cop. Well, not really a cop but a quirky outsider like on TV who shows up at crime scenes and points out all the clues that experienced detectives missed
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.