This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
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me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you
dinner ingredients:
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
hmmmmmm
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
I can’t stop laughing at this
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.