This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
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“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Too easy.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words