Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:

My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”

there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord

Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor

If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile

The cops knocked on my door and said, we’re looking for a burglar with one eye.

I said, wouldn’t it be better if you used both eyes.

So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.

“She is not fine.”

~Sun Tzu

I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.

And it’s about time.

What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?

[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.

I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.

EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE

I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.

It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.

I don’t even know where that is.

Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.

Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it

How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine

Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?

Audience: *clapping*

Host: Sir, are you leaving?

Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer

I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby

Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?

Gatsby: … Yup

[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,

ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple

ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.

robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*

Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one

My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.

About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.

I am ashamed of the scream I made.

*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*

*serves poached eggs*