Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.

Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help

Him: I like it when a girl growls at me

My stomach: *growls*

Him: not like that

tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”

I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.

Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?

My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude

Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat

Last Minute Gift Idea:

Chew with your mouth closed.

I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.

This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.

Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.

me: i can handle my alcohol

5 shots later: *in the shower on all 4s pretending i’m a bear catching fish

Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*

“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.

[Talking Heads GPS]

YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.

10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s

You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.

I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.

I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves

Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.

Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.

crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers

If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.

Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority

As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.

British parking sign:

———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————

4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*

Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*

4: don’t want to talk about it anymore

Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.

I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.