Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.

Me: Fake?

[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!

[Talking Heads GPS]

YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

Stop being racist to kettles.

A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.

A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.

I’m here all week😬

Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.

Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar

almost typed dame instead of same and why don’t we say “same, dame” instead of “girl, same”

I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.

Football Team: Huddle up!

Me: Mm, this is nice

FT: Who are you

Me: So warm, so snug

FT: Break. Break now!

Me: Don’t go nice man-castle

Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!

Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad

Her: I bet you forgot it.

Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]

Her: ?

Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?

Her: NO

me: this meeting couldve been an email

me when I get an email: I’m not reading that

*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*

Me: Is anyone here with us?

T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E R

M: Oh my god! Mom!

“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me

Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please

I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba

It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.

Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee

i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket

I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.

THE DOG😭😭💀

*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we are

Me [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn

F: well?
Me: we’re in China

*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*

I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.

you stereotypes are all alike

God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”