Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship

when people ask how much i weigh i always say ‘with or without blood?”

SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset

Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.

honey, bring out the fine china.

“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library

Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”

JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head

Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–

[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]

Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance

ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height

Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.

A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.

Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.

Police: Because you keep killing people

What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?

What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?

My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.

I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.

I’m afraid we’ve been misjudging everyone who surfs in a hurricane. They’ve got it right.

My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house

It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay

My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂

Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.

I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!

Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏

{about to have sex}

Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse

Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco

When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking

Overheard:

“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”

[Office Supply Store]

Me: *getting toner*

Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.

My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment

being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen