Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”

Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?

quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison

Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.

Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath

I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….

When I can’t barge, I careen.

I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.

It was a twerk-place injury.

A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:

She has her umbrella.
She has her period.

I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters

*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*

I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.

I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.

House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!

“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”

Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!

Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!

Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!

There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:

Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.

So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…

Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.

Doctor: It doesn’t look good

Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet

Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.

“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”

Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap

My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.

Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.

The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.