Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with

Clown: [reaching for his nose]

Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please

Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.

[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]

Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.

Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!

Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.

Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.

SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER

is it just me or are we all a little bit disappointed whenever they lift a tsunami warning

having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree

Him: It’s like people are going feral.

Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*

It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.

I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people

TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese

ME: Treese

HER: I hate you

[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”

WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[later]

THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.

*Middle of dinner*

My kid: Can I have a snack?

Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero

Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.

Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.

Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea

*lays down on the battlefield*

You all go on without me. I’m tired.

so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?

… sounds better than tinder

Someone: how are you?

Me: thanks, you too.

My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*