This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
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oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.