Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.

Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…

Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?

Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.

Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.

Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.

Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.

I slept like shit.

– how adults say “good morning”

‘High five!’

*steals your snacks, runs away

– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons

quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing

Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child

Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?

I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.

Roses are red, you always mattered,

Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.

My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby

if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.

when you don’t want to be too vague

*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course

We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.

My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.

I saw nothing

Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?

Me: Your head.

If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.

accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl

BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.

[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”