This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
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I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.