This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
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#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
“No way.” -Jose
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.