Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walking by the lingerie section

Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.

Me: Uh huh.

Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.

A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.

A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?

Cha-ching is my safe word

Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.

After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”

How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?

one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar

When someone cries, “No one gets me”

I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!

Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.

Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue

“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”

– said no mom, ever

Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.

If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.

Company at my house: Do you have a bathroom?
My Mind: No we shit in the yard

I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.

Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.

Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.

It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.

when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”

Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you

Y’all wanna hear something funny?

Lol me too

torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*

me: please, no! I have a baby!

torturer: how old?

me: three months

torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that