This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
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PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
#parenting
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
seems like a niche market
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.