This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
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the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
It kinda feels like this rn
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
termites walking up to the ark: two please
noah: any dietary restrictions?
termite: yeah we only eat woo—
noah:
termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool
noah:
termites:
noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.