This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is
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The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
good morning
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.
Solving a traffic jam
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than