This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is
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funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Thank you 🥹
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.