This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is
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Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf