“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
You Might Also Like
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂
me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
me and the Superbowl rn
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut