“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
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[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Are you a hero about to fight some baddies? Here are some battle cry ideas to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts:
* Hot buttery death!
* HR will hear about this!
* I’m as strong as fifty men and as crazy as a thousand raccoons!
* Brenda!
* Don’t hit me! I’m telling Mom!
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed