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It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
twitter is a journey
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.