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“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
everyone has that one prude friend
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Does beer think about me too?
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls