Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*

Girl: do bad things to me babe

Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*

Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.

Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.

If you need me, I’ll be in the closet

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.

Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆

INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat

ME: omg was I supposed to bring one

The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”

Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?

Wife: I’m definitely bothered

Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.

[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]

ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.

[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.

Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.

Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.

google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already

Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?

I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.

What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?

My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.

I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.

To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.

STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST

1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy

Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆

Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*

This contest is hard

*first day as an accountant*

me: so where are the ants?

Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?

How to lose a gf:

Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*

I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married