“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
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Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
My dryer is celebrating lint.
My wife treats me like a check engine light
She does something that turns me on
Then ignores me and hopes I go away
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
I’m good, thanks.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.