“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
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I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Tuesday
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”