Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs

proctologist: how many are in here

Nurse: “This may hurt.”

Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”

Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.

Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough

*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird

Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.

A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars

*Puts on muscle shirt*

*Looks in mirror*

Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.

I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.

What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”

What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”

Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.

I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.

[on Shark Tank]

me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”

I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.

[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]

doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI

TI’s daughter: a what

doctor: UTI

TI: no I’m TI

Me: is this dishwasher safe?

Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not

Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.

My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit

“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance

I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.

T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.

Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.

I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.

In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.

Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?

Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.

Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.

one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”

me linking you to my twitter

No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run