Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.

Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…

So far, nobody can tell the difference.

“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness

Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go

lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time

nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

HIP-STAR WARS:

Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper

Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL

* hangs up land-line *

My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring

When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.

ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.

Tide Pods need a little seasoning?

Sprinkle some bath salts on top.

Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?

Because it requires two i’s.

legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet

This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.

Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”

[sees my dentist in the store]

*really loud fake phone call voice*

me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk

Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.

I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.

I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”

*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*

“how’s everything tasting folks”

Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!

Him: Just ignore him.

Me: I’m trying!

Him: I was talking to the dog…

You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button

–cats

“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?