This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
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[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Candles never taste the way they smell
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Van Gone
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”