Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie

Bus duty in the library after school.

Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,

Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.

WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.

I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button

“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”

[Getting phone call from the School]

Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.

M: Did he win?

T: That’s not really relevant.

M: It is to the winner.

Him: Do that thing I hate

Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions

I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.

[blind date]

HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets

ME: Oh wow, me too!

HER: Really?

ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?

friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.

me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally

DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again

ME, AN OCTOPUS: what

Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”

Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”

*fakes headache to get out of work*

*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*

Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl

Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.

Somebody call the cops.

me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.

wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed

If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.

If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”

I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.

My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.

I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”