Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache

mom: please, please just go play with the other children

christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.

You’ll be OK

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?

My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…

“HOW” – dyslexic owl

I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.

My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.

It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.

Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.

It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.

[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”

Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.

[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”

Haha no, he went to Disney World.

Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]

12: What’s in cocktail sauce?

Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.

12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.

*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*

a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin

WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you

[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]

ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”

UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please

Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*

Friend: I guess you had to be there.

Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.

[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see

I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.

[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots

[Horsemen tryouts]

APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4

*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*

STEVE: dang it

Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.

Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.