This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
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*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*