This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
You Might Also Like
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Still hold my high school’s record for shortest javelin toss.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Stay here and watch people argue or log out and listen to my family argue? Decisions, decisions
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?
Me: Of course ba…wait, what?
*Her jaw unhinges*
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Strange
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
😂😂
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best