This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
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every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.