@sgrstk

This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.

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@DennisFarrell

Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message

@theshantilly

I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.

@fro_vo

DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream

@big_1_Otis

I like to sit on my hands until they go numb so it feels like somebody else is doing my dishes.

@nettie0918

That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.

@solomongeorgio

Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”

@lmegordon

I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.

@smithsara79

Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…

Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go