This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
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When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
me and the Superbowl rn
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
FINE, I WON’T.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
bags with threatening auras
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.