Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”

me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-

boss: *leans in and whispers*

me: essential. they say i’m essential.

Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull

Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.

The key to a clean house is dim lighting.

That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.

The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen

Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.

When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.

[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]

Date: The wine is lovely great choice

Me: *helplessly slips off chair*

I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home

I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.

Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet

There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore

[hotel fire alarm]

M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?

H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.

M: impressive

me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there

friend: you live in an apartment complex

me: oh yeah

So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi

For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.

* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me

“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”

Wife: you need to prepare the turkey

Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me

Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”

My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.

Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.

what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself

Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.

Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.

“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”

-first taxidermist

First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.