this year felt like being awake during surgery
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Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
*deep inhale*
YOU TELLIN ME A GAR LICKED THIS BREAD!?!?!?!???!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.