this year felt like being awake during surgery
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maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad