This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
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Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
We know he can swim but…
I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.