This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
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You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.