[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
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I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again