This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
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[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
*me brushing my daughter’s hair
my watch: are you working out?
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Denise please return my vape pen
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.