This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
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Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
What number SPF blocks people?
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
#Thanos #MondayMood
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured