This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
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“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
I want to meet the individual who made this
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.