This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
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Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet
One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Eat…
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land