This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
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Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
the worm is coming from inside the brain
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.
Me: They’re right.
*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Those are NOT normal gifts
-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.