Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut

H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.

M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same

.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.

Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.

Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾‍♀️😂

Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.

My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?

*Flashback to 2014*

My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.

Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.

I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.

– the parent who taught them to talk like that

I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“

My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE

Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..

Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up

Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.

13: can I play video games?

ME: yep

WIFE: nope

ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice

“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”

– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills

My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄

I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?

Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff

Trevor: That’s not always practic—

John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS

‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’

-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.

[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]

Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand

The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.

ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.

ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.

doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood

Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.

[street fight]

Come at me bro!!

*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles

*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”

8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school

me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum

8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?

I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.

Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.

My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes