Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender

Just show up everyday and be consistent.

Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.

I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.

Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit

The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it

Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.

As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.

Her: Have we been to that restaurant?

Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.

Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.

Google search history:

Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet

ME: [running for my flight]

PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP

Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.

There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.

coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once

just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys

Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.

I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.

Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.

That’s because they’re coughy filters.

introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already

As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell

I’M CRYINGGG

Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move

“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”

Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”

Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”

Here’s what we have say about that:

Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?

waiter: do you have any allergies?

me: latex

waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat

me: airplanes

My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me

Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.

‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’

‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-

*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*

-was jumping in.’