this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
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Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups