Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things

ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?

I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume

Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary

Employee: sir, this is a haunted house

Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary

My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”

Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”

Translation: They’re staring straight at me.

Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”

Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.

[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts

Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!

Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.

Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early

BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*

AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*

When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.

“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.

when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”

The United Steaks of America

Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.

Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.

[1st date]

WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?

HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*

DRACULA: *just glares at her*

Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.

I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”

Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.

WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma

I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*

How we blocked people in the 90s 😄

“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet

What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.

“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.