This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
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I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)
Me: omg now what
HR: shirts aren’t optional
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.