This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
You Might Also Like
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.
Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”