This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
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My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*
*Sits down triumphantly*
*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
3: I wuv you Mommy.
Me: I love you too!
3: Don’t talk to me.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.