There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
This year I’m going to put the mistletoe in my back pocket, so people I hate can kiss my ass.
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*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*
~Christmas shopping for my wife
Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Saw this cutie pie on the side of the highway this morning
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
-have a good day
-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.