@ExtraGrumpyCat

This year I’m going to put the mistletoe in my back pocket, so people I hate can kiss my ass.

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@mzeld

There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.

@TheBoydP

*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*

~Christmas shopping for my wife

@salmarch79

Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.

@SirEviscerate

How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.

@DesecratedJewel

Co-worker: How are you today?

Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*

@HomeProbably

It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.

@AndyAsAdjective

[texting]

-have a good day

You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂

-please stop texting me

Ha! You two!

@ShootyDoody

Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.

Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?

Me: Because you’re also a wreck.