My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
This year I’m going to put the mistletoe in my back pocket, so people I hate can kiss my ass.
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Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
It’s weird how after they couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King’s men were like “Let’s give the horses a shot at it”
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Doc: You need to lose some weight.
Dr: Don’t eat anything fatty.
Me: Like pies and chips?
Dr: No. Don’t eat anything, fatty.