Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know

Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.

my dog: LEMME OUT

me: you gonna bark?

dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT

me: what things?

dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT

me: you don’t need to bark at the wind

dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT

To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:

Do you want something from the gas station?

Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.

contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to

me: yea i don’t

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.

i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:

“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”

me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”

there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.

Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now

I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic

Me: we need to pick 9 up from school

4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today

My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.

I thought there was something wrong with her.

Turns out she’s being R2-D2.

Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only

Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”

My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions

“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*

Women drinking coffee.

My three favorite things.

dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir

“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”

*sandwiches

Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch

We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.

Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.

My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.

Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.

Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat

me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby

them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby

me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster

If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore