This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
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-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:
“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”