This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
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Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
This 4th of July, please remember…
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!