Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk

~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.

Creative Problem Solving

Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*

Guys talking to women online: Hey

Do we think Neil deGrasse Tyson is more upset about the idea of “Defying Gravity” or the concept of “Holding Space”?

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.

If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.

when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology

rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭

We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life

Boxing and fencing

Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences

When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭

I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “

In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.

When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.

kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card

*takes card*

kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?

no

is this your card ?

no

*27 cards later* is this your card ?

no…

Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait

Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”

5yo: “Yes!”

Me: “What colors?”

5yo: “The same!”

TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.

back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are

Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.

Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.

Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!

I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.

When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement

It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school

Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”

Aight bet

Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”

AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣

[laying on the office couch]

Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”

Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”

My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.