This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
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Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
drew a comic about my origin story
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
I’m pretty like a car crash.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Brilliant!
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.