Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.

i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.

If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.

Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.

Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.

If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.

You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.

DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.

Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶

Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old

why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me

Things a raccoon and I have in common:

1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.

The worst part of getting new shoes is the breaking in phase. Once you’ve broken into the shoe shop, the rest is easy.

godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.

Scans first item.

Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”

[IKEA-themed restaurant]

Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?

Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?

I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.

20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys

😐

There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight

Throws bra on the floor

I feel much better

You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?

DOC: We got your blood tests back

ME: Is it small pox like I thought?

DOC: No, it’s even worse

ME: What could be worse than small pox?

DOC: Big pox

ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it

My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.

What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?

If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.

I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.