This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
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If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
I am, perchance
Born to be mild.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.