Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
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Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
sex is intimate and sacred. your body is a temple and you shouldn’t share it with anyone who hates rick & morty
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
First meeting working remotely.
My boss: turn the camera on please
Me: it’s broken
What. You’re wearing pants to work from home?
“She’s got legs. She knows how to use them.”
“So she’s ambulatory then?”
“… I guess?”
“And is that really all you’re looking for?”
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.