This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
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Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
This is Narla. She was not allowed to go to the park. And now you are not allowed on the couch. 13/10
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal