This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
You Might Also Like
The Birdles
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.