Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.

I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.

When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail

Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.

On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..

How hung over are you?

Hey Fugeddaboutit

All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.

Gf: Let’s role-play

Me: Ok you be a writer

Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write

Me: ooh that’s good

I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.

Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that

DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

Black Friday through the years:

2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July

Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.

[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”

when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man

In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.

Friend: so drinks later?

Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.

Friend: after 5?

Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.

Friend: uh..k?

-LATER-

Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through

Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you

“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“

Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?

Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon

a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.

My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.

I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.

When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.

NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!

what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means