Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code

Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.

FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”

i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig

Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.

BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”

I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo

[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer

The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.

*Licking my plate clean

Girlfriend)You still have to wash that

Me)This house is a prison

Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

Husband opening his new radar detector…

Me- want me to run by really fast?

Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.

Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*

Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”

I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.

sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die

me: 27

sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…

me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?

Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.

Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!

*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.

Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.

one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man

Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.

7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.

7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.

7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.

8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.

9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.

Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.

Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions

Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?

My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.

How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin

The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.

In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.

If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?