This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
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🦝🔥🦝🔥
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.