This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
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I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”