Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime

[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside

“Awww. There there.”

*pats you on the face. Hard

My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat

[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]

１９.９８

[very gently]

１９.９９

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

３７.８３

GODDAMMIT

Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*

My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package

*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party

*goes to the park*

*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*

For those that worship cheese..

me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg

me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie

I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.

Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.

The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.

If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.

If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.

He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…

My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.

Me: How could you do this?

Her: I just felt like you needed to know

Me: I’ve completely lost trust

Her: I know this is hard

Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.

When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting

[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try

[therapy]

ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me

PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family

how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it

You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.

ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
　 O
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　　 　　 o
　　　　　o
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　　　　　o
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Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!

Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.