Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”

“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys

Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!

Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?

Ages pass.

Empires rise and fall.

Dolphins develop their own space program.

The old gods return.

The stars die out and the sky goes black.

Coworker: Here you go.

[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*

Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse

Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you

Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ

911 – 911 what’s your emergency

Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV

911 – ….

Me – I don’t know our emergency number

Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.

me: your wife’s surgery was a success

him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?

me: *shrug* I’m free whenever

Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today

Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind

[cat mom giving birth]

Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*

Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.

[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight

DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not

When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.

I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.

Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.

was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished

until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”

I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.

*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”

the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery

Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji

Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o

Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?

Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?

Wife: What?

Me: What?

Communication is hard

Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )

*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*

Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now

imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.