This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
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Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
getting seasonal up in here
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.