This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
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Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
This took me a second..
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
When you’ve simply given up.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
The glockness monster
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.